My Renewal

via Daily Prompt: Renewal

Growth concept

Before a true renewal can happen, one must rid themselves of the stuff that no longer serves them. Space must be made for the new, so it can make its home in your life, mindset, body, etc. It’s not always comfortable, and it definitely isn’t always pretty, but the end result is always worth it when you have a moment to look back on it.

So, nothing like a stomach bug to really purge the crap ( 😆 ) from your system before the new year. Sorry for too much information. 😛

The first plus of this bug is that it helped me obliterate my first mini goal: breaking 135lb! I am 134lb as of this morning; finally, after years of attempting! The closest I’ve gotten is 135.4lb, but I just couldn’t make it over the edge… Thanks stomach bug! That being said, I am probably gonna eat a little extra to make up for yesterday, but I’m gonna use this positively! Health is the goal, the weight is secondary. The weight means nothing if it takes me five minutes to walk up a flight of stairs.

The second is seeing the tenderness in your husband–who is just as if not sicker than you–who caresses your hair and rubs your back while you’re in that perfect position which you can’t shouldn’t move from because you’re as comfortable as you can possibly get considering the circumstances. Then, he gets up for work after a few hours of a-poor-excuse-for-sleep, kissing you upon returning home and immediately offering to make you chicken noodle soup.

I don’t deserve this man.

See, we’ve been fighting on and off the last few days and it’s my fault. You think you’ve defeated your demons but then you get a little whiff of something ever-so-slightly resembling the past, and BAM! You’re right back in your 19 year old self and everything is back to the “life or death” mindset and, as per usual, you choose death. “This is the end of the world, I can’t handle this”.

Even though you’ve proven that you can handle this and worse, and even though this time around, you have someone who is fully willing to take care of you even though you’re mad at him and have said some horrible things to him on top of it all. Still, he tells you he loves you, wishes you sweet dreams and gives your forehead a kiss before turning over, wincing in pain all the while.

In my defense, after he did all that I rubbed his belly til my arm ached.

I’m learning slowly but surely that this is marriage. You love and take care of each other even when you don’t feel like you like your partner in that moment. You forgive them for things you may not really want to forgive them for, because the opposite means you’ll be without them. Of course, there are some strict boundaries but this was not one of them.

I always wondered why people differentiated being in a relationship and being in a marriage; I always thought they were the same except now you’ve spent an exorbitant amount of money to get rings and have a wedding and all that… no difference otherwise.

Nah, it means having the option of walking away (albeit a much more difficult decision to make) but remembering that you vowed you never would. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, right?

Not the best end/start, but I’ll take it. It’s a learning experience, and one that will fuel my renewal.

3 thoughts on “My Renewal

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